Encouraging Your Kids To Open Up To You
Me: How was your day today?
Zo: Good.
Me: What did you do?
Zo: Same thing as yesterday.
Me:
Does this sound way too familiar to you? I was so surprised that these conversations, or lack of, started so early with my daughter. At 4 years old she is already SO OVER telling me about her day at school. Well, lucky for you (and me) I have figured out a few tricks around this and have gotten her to open up with details about her day.
The Struggle
I remember being in grade 7 or 8 when my dad would ask about my day and I’d reply with a simple and to the point “bien.” (good.). He would call me out on it and remind me that I always said that, always the same thing, and how he truly wanted to know about my day and how it went. Years later, my poor dad still got “bien.” no matter how many times he asked, what day of the week it was, or regardless if the best thing ever happened to me that day.
Fast forward almost 20 years and I found myself getting the same response from my own daughter. How did I become so uncool?!?!
I drop my daughter off at school super early in the morning and pick her up late in the day (the additional struggle of being a career mama in the city but living in the suburbs), so I don’t get to speak to her teachers about how her day went very often. I rarely get to catch-up with them at pick-ups and drop-offs like other parents, so my only source of info is my tiny daughter who has already mastered “go away small talk” at such a young age. I found myself asking her questions while we drove home to receive a response like this one….
I needed to find way for her to engage with me that did not involve her feeling pressured or as if she was forced to share with me. How was I going to this? Well, I channelled my 12 year old Christie and thought about ways that I would have opened up a little more to my dad.
Tips To Get Them To Open Up
Below are some tips that I tried on Zo and worked wonders as I finally got the details and stories I was hoping to get from the very beginning.
Be Specific
Instead of asking, “how was your day?”, try being more specific about the answer that you are looking for. The above answer is begging for a “good…” response. But we want more, right?
Give these a try:
- What was your favourite part of the day?
- What was the funniest thing that happened today?
- Did you learn something new today?
I found that when I was asking specific questions I was getting more detailed answers. The above questions don’t really allow for simple answers, but rather encourage a little more detail and dialogue.
Do Your Research
I think this one best applies to pre-teens and teens. Don’t be afraid to look up the trending TikTok video of the day or even what was trending on Twitter.
A conversation can start with, “did you see this video?”. Your kid may be hella surprised that you even have TikTok downloaded on your phone. However, this can cause them to look at your in a different light, not just as the boring parent out of tune with life.
In addition, when you show them a video, they may want to show you one too. From here, you have a connection and dialogue that can get started. But remember, even if you think the video they show you is dumb or uninteresting, don’t react in a negative way. Ask them why they like it, or why they picked that one to show you, etc. Start and maintain that dialogue.
Tell Them About You
One of the greatest things that recently happened to my daughter is that she got to drive all the way to work with me and visit my office. Aside from seeing where mommy works every day, she got a sense of what my commute was like and how I get to work each morning; “Mommy, there is so much traffic!”.
After this, I began to tell her about my day and she began asking me about more details, or about my “friends at work”. We were engaging, which then lead to me asking her about her friends at school and so on.
This works great for younger kids, but what about teens? Will they look up from their phones as I talk about my day? Well, I think you could be pleasantly surprised. I remember acting like I wasn’t listening sometimes even though I heard every single thing my parents were telling me. I didn’t have social media apps on my phone when I was a teen like we do now, but I sure had MSN Messenger and texting capabilities on my flip phone (I’m archaic, I know!).
Don’t hesitate to share with them about your day, the projects you are working on, a little work story (or gossip cause that’s fun too), among other topics. Keep it light and positive. It is a great way for them to see the genuine side of you — you and your work don’t have to be perfect and in this hidden land far away from home that no one talks about. You will be pleasantly surprised as to how by opening up yourself they will also open up about some of the events at their school or about something funny that happened to them that day.
Spend One-On-One Time
Last but not least, I have found this tip to make a significant difference. Spending that one-on-one time with them, even if it is once a month, has encouraged us to chat. I take her out for lunch and we speak about the silly things that happen to her throughout the day or the latest thing she learned at school. At 4 years old, she also tells me a little gossip about her friends, from who likes who to who has a birthday coming up and invited no one (Their tiny worlds are so fascinating).
You can go out for lunch with your child, like I have, or maybe even for a warm drink at your local coffee shop. I remember being a teen and my mom would go out to run a few errands and I loved joining her. We got to chat about the most random things and really connect. The activity was so simple but sharing that time with her made the world of difference. Believe it not, your teen may want to spend that time with you and reach out, but sometimes they just don’t know exactly how to go about it.
Things to Consider
It’s important to remember that you may not get a wave of stories right away. Be consistent, but be patient. It is mostly about building that trust with your child to share with you about their personal details. Yes, it is simply about school but you need to remember that this is a part of their life that is quite significant and therefore important to them.
In addition, they need to feel safe about sharing information with you. If you jump down their throats if they share a detail with you that you are uncomfortable with, they are likely going to hesitate opening up to you in the near future. Take a deep breath and talk it out with them. If something concerns you then bring it up, but be conscious of how you approach it.
Do you have any other tips or recommendations for others? Drop them in the comment below as I am sure if you have read this far we are all in the struggle together.
